This is Where I Belong
 
I have not been in the best of shape these past couple of weeks.  Loneliness and isolation have been ruling my life and I don't know what to do to combat these depressive feelings and thoughts.  I can barely read my schoolwork.  I have little interest in pressing the keys here for it is almost too much of  a hassle to type word after word and mess up and continue to say nothing as long as I'm saying something.  Am I right?
My classwork is mediocre at best.  I have all week to do it, yet can barely finish it the night before it is due.  What is happening to me?  Where am I going?  Is it that same place that I used to be since I was here last?  If that is so, then I am very frightened for and of myself.  My hands tremble.  The "a" key sticks.  The nail on my left ring finger is too long.   I am tired, yet I must go to class in two hours.  I hope that I will wake up soon.
 
I miss my rats. 09/18/2009
 
They loved me.
 
 
I'm starting to lose touch with who I am once more. I used to know so well. Well, not so well. Somewhat well. I used to be happy. Well, not so happy. Happier than I am now. I used to be happier. I used to have friends and they used to make me happy. Now they just disappoint me. They disappoint me to the point where I find that I start to lose touch with who I am.
I am tired and I am disappointed and I am anxious. I hear the walruses barking in the distance and wonder what it would be like to be one of them. Basking in the sun during the day, diving into the crystal clear water of the beaches in the evenings. Fighting for my pups, for my life. At least it is black and white, and at least you depend on one thing. Yourself. Your masculine bulk and feminine curves. Swirling through the water like a current.
The tower has a rope attached to the very top of it. The rope leads to another tower a mile away, the same distance off the ground. Once I start walking this rope I cannot go back, I do not want to go back. I am afraid of going back. More afraid than going forward. The first step I take I am more afraid of going back than I am of going forward even though there is a mile between me and the end, and only one step to the beginning. I can hear them calling to me, for me to come to them, but I do not want to come to them. They have only betrayed me before, they will only betray me again. I walk on. Arms out to each side of me for balance, looking straight ahead at the rope that extends almost to a horizon that I cannot see, I continue. I continue.
I am continuing still, wobbling on the edge trying not to fall. I pray that I do not fall.
 
Vampires 09/15/2009
 
it starts with a game. red black white, i tie myself to the chair and my hands shake. i do not know what to do except play the game. over and over. my eyes dart around, heart palpitating. naked wrists cry out to me, kings and queens from a distance, so far away, briefly catch my attention. i sway. heart palpitating i swallow. no one home. no one home. time passes in a bell jar. skin crawling i swallow once more. what is this nonsense? i breathe, shake, wait. again, naked flesh looks so appetizing. the smoke flitters across my vision so ancient and foreign to me. it is almost dark in its sanctum. spurting forth from the tower, the rouge tower. burning ever so swiftly. then it is gone. i am gone.
 
Post Title. 09/14/2009
 
Haven't been here in a while. It's been a wild month. School started for me last week and it has been more stressful than I could have accounted for. Being in New York I credit with most of the stress, although I suppose being anywhere would make me stressed. I am only taking half the credit load as I should be, I am a part-time student. No rats. I had to give them up when I came home from California. I miss them more than I thought I could miss a small animal.
A rash has broken out on my face. Mostly on my forehead. I think because of the stress. I have to find a job. I have been modeling pro bono, but I need to find a job, a real job. I don't really know where to look, either. I don't have a word processor program to type up a resume either, so I'm kind of screwed. For now I'm stuck looking on Craigslist and the school's local job search engine. But a lot of other people are on those sites so I really can't count on the probability of finding anything worth while on there...:/
For now I am praying and going to class and keeping busy which really isn't as hard as it sounds. Thank you for visiting.
 
Shart 07/31/2009
 
Today I made a hammock out of two sewn-together wash cloths and hung it with some dollar store shower curtain hangers.  The little darlings love it! Onyx is sleeping in it this very moment.  They were crawling all in it before I'd even finished hanging it up, I say.  It was precious. 
I took more pictures today.  Some I think came out really well.  I'll post those as soon as I get home since I'm at Ben's house right now. 
I've been thinking that Banksy is becoming my favorite personality of the bunch.  That is, until he shat on me today!!  I was trying to clip his nails when suddenly I smelled a startlingly human-like toilet smell, and when I looked down saw little raisins tumbling off my leg onto the floor.  So now little Banksy, charming, sweet Banksy has only three out of four of his paws trimmed.  And it's just going to have to stay that way.  I'm not going to attempt the other two for a few more days, probably. 
Today for breakfast/lunch, they munched the carrots and watermelon before the cereal, surprisingly.  I went on this website (linked below) that adorably describes that rats will pick out their favorite foods first from their meals anyway.  Duh, that makes total sense.  I'd do that, too if I were a rat, right?? :P I was surprised to read that it even says to give them dog food like buscuits and treats so that they get their occasional animal vitamins.  (I'm guessing B12 and stuff since rats are omnivorous) 
So yeah.  They're precious.  I'm ever so tempted to call my parents up to tell them about the website but that would let them in on everything! lol And I really want this to be a surprise. At least for now. :)
 
 
Today during lunch, Banksy and Bick took grapes first.  Onyx took cereal.  He proceeded to dig through the bowl to get the rest of the cereal flakes.  Banksy as the first to take a broccoli piece, and Onyx the second.  They like the cereal the best.  Banks seems to be the pickiest eater, preferring rat treats over human food.  No one took to the tomato even though they all really gobbled it up when we offered hamburger-tomatoes.  Perhaps it was the special sauce. :P

Update: After making a mess of the initial foodies, they ended up nibbling the spinach and eventually the tomatoes.  So, if nothing is left, then tomatoes ARE an option. :)
 
 
Surfed today.  It was ridiculous! I was actually ok at it. But that's not what was ridiculous about it. The ridiculous part was that I took the BUS. Yes, public transport. I took the bus and got TOTALLY lost on the way home. Fun, right? Not unless you call walking 10 miles with a heavy-ass surf board UP hill fun. u_u;
Anyway, played with the little babes again today. They are staying at a friend's house since there's no way in hell my aunt would let any sort of rodent into her house willingly.  I miss them so much, too. I played with them for about two hours straight and we bonded quite well.  Bick let me wrestle with him (with my hand, that is. I'm not gonna go sitting on my little micies, duh), and Banksy (pronounced "BANK-see") groomed my eye lashes and the hairs on the back of my neck.  I had a cut from surfing (Doheny beach is really rocky), and they licked that clean as well.  The little dolls. :)
But seriously, I do plan on writing actual substance in these  blogs soon enough. I just haven't found the time or the inspiration.  I will probably just post some old poems to start with...
 
 
So, this is my new website. I'm pretty stoked about it, since it's got such a nice format, is FREE, and is so easy to use. (No, that was NOT a shameless weebly plug. lol)
Anyway, I adopted my first rats today. Hence the name of the website and the blog link. It was all I could think of at the time!  I'm sure I'll come up with better headings later...This is just way too cool.
So rats...I adopted three rats today - Banksy, Onyx, and Bick. Yeah, I couldn't believe I did it either.  I've been looking to get a pet rat for when I go back to school, but three?? And I haven't even figured out how I'm going to finagle my way into keeping rats in the dorms.  :/ And I think my mom will freak out when she finds out I got 'em, too! That's just lovely.
Well, I will keep you all updated on the well-being of my little ratties :) I've taken some pictures and will post them as soon as I feel like it. I get to go surfing tomorrow, so I'm gonna go plan my day out. Ciao! 
 
First Post! 07/28/2009
 
This is my first blog. Well, not my first, but it is my first real attempt at making and maintaining a blog/website.
This is for you, Nano. <3